When her daughter unexpectedly healed from her illness, Nathalie was so angry at the time that she felt unable to welcome the news. This was the starting point of a 250 miles pilgrimage that took her from Arles to the Italian border. This lonely trek brought her a long series of surprises. She tells us how this pilgrimage helped her let go her anger.
“My name is Nathalie. I am married and my husband and I are blessed with four children. Nevertheless, a few months ago I took a decision which sounded almost insane: embark on my own on a pilgrimage on Via Aurelia, about 250 miles from Arles to Rome, for two weeks. Such a decision was very far from my true identity – I am not an adventurer and I tend to be fearful when faced to the unknown. And yet I felt I had to do that walk.”
Why did you do that trip on your own?
Because our family had experienced a terrible ordeal: over the last six years, our daughter had a life-threatening illness. Then, unexpectedly, she began to feel better and gradually healed completely. This was both sudden and inexplicable. It was a priceless gift from God, an infinite grace. However, instead of being overjoyed, I felt a dull anger simmering within me.
Throughout her illness, I had the impression that my faith, my certainty to be in God’s hands had borne me and supported me completely. Likewise, our daughter’s faith had been of great help and support. And yet, just as she was recovering, one question harshly hit me : why had God allowed so much suffering for her? Why did our family have to suffer such a trial for six long years?” My joy was tarnished by that anger and clearly hindered my freedom. I had to find a way to set free from it.
Getting deep within oneself
Therefore, I chose to go on a pilgrimage. Not a motionless retreat, rather a physical walk to crush those many years of pain and rebellion, step after step. I made my decision quickly for fear of being overcome by my fears: the fear of being alone, having to face my own vulnerability and myself. My elder daughter walked with me for the first couple of days then she let me carry on alone. I had to. I needed that one-to-one meeting with myself to take a deep plunge within who I was. That’s where God was waiting for me with open arms.
I thought I would experience a time of spiritual culmination, a time of exaltation and closeness with Christ. In fact, I bumped on my own weakness. I wept, I cried out, I went through inner storms. Yet God was present in my distress, in the bareness of my soul. Gradually, my anger disappeared. After a week hiking, it had gone completely.
I faced my weakness.
I wept, I cried, I went through inner storms
Understanding the anger to get free
When I look back, I realize that my anger was the result of my own fragility. My husband had submitted to our trial in total faith, without the inner struggles that had torn me apart. Whereas I had relied on my own strength. I thought I was surrendering to God but I had not completely let everything go within His hands. As I was walking, I understood that if I had trusted Him like a child in the arms of her Father, I would have welcomed my daughter’s resurrection peacefully and gratefully, instead of those mixed feelings – rebellion marring gratefulness.
To trust and surrender to God means a lot of struggle, especially for a mum whose child is sick. However it is not a battle lost in advance, it is a battle leading to victory.
Hiking is a therapy
Hiking is a therapy because it allows you to move forward, both physically and innerly. It prevents you from remaining stuck under the weight of suffering, ordeals or doubts. When you are walking, you go forward and forward is already the first steps in healing.
Besides, walking is a deeply evangelical activity. Jesus used to walk with his disciples, he would go and meet other people on the roads. I had not expected to be so enlightened by the Gospels as I was walking. On that walk, each step had a connection with the Scriptures. The people I met, the hills I climbed or walked down, this was all a reminder of the life of Christ and his journeys. During my daughter’s illness, I had been forced to immobility. I would watch her helplessly behind her door, waiting anxiously. This hike was liberating, I needed this move to get back to life.
This hike was liberating, I needed this move to get back to life.
Via Aurelia follows the roads to St James of Compostela. As any pilgrim to Compostela, I had my credentials to get access to accommodations for the night. During the day I was alone. I met a few pilgrims although in rare occasions. My loneliness did not feel empty, it was very fulfilling. I used to walk in nature, receiving the beauty of God’s work as a blessing. I felt so minuscule facing the mountains, the forests, the immense skies. And yet I felt I was at the right place.
However, whilst solitude in nature was a source of peace, it was much more difficult in the villages. I did not always get a warm welcome. A woman alone with a rucksack is often regarded with distrust. Such an experience made me face my own judgmental behaviours. So many times, I had turned away when I happened to meet someone in need. Hiking alone also means getting deep within yourself and seeing yourself as you really are.
Pilgrimage, a path of truth to let go of anger
As I was walking, I became aware of my mistakes and realized my mental blindness. However, this realization was not a devastating experience, far from it. “Truth will make you free” (John 8, 32). Seeing my own limits and failures whilst knowing they had already been forgiven was a source of deep joy.
Hiking is a school of humility. Each step would remind me of my condition as a creature. I have no control over my own life but I am loved by infinite love. It was only when I accepted my place in God’s hands that I found peace.
God has a sense of humor
Being alone also means that you do not laugh anymore. Now, in my family, laughing has always been very important, even in the toughest times. In the beginning, I tried to remember funny memories in order to laugh on my own but that was silly. Then I got it: God has a sense of humor. Wherever I would stiffen as I was realizing my failures, my clumsy moves or my mistakes, God was tenderly laughing. His merciful gaze was a great lesson.
You can read further about our encounter with Nathalie in Chemin d’éternité, issue No 323 (April-May-June 2025)
Praying is the pilgrim’s food
There were times when my suffering was too intense. I would become inaccessible. I would get away from people out of fear that they would be affected by my pain or to hurt them with my own distress. Like some injured animal I sometimes had aggressive reactions and I know I may have been harsh. I struggled in order to allow others reach out to me and touch my suffering and not completely lock myself in self-isolation. It was not obvious but my daughter showed me how to do that. She was unable to run away, wasn’t she. She had to accept to be approached and looked after, even when it was unbearable.
On that road, during the second part of my trip when my heart was opening to thanksgiving, I prayed for all the people who had prayed for our daughter. Her miraculous cure was not only a gift from God but also the fruit of a huge prayer momentum. I was deeply moved by the large number of people who had prayed for our daughter – sometimes they didn’t even know her! We received messages, intentions, novenas offered for her. I was so touched by that flood of prayer that in turn I felt like offering my own prayers for those people.
That pilgrimage was exhausting. However, seeing how strong other people’s faith was and how they were hoping against all hope and maintained it with such fervour touched me very deeply. The power of prayer was beautiful and incredible. That is why I had the joy to pray for all those people during the second part of my trip. It was a way to thank them, a silent but powerful tribute to their involvement.
In my mind I would think of so and so, then of another person and then another one. They were so many people who had prayed for us, I could barely count them all. From then on, my pilgrimage became a living rosary, a marching prayer with an intention on each step.
On top of that, those people were far from expecting to be recognized. They would humbly say: “Thanks to your daughter we had a new opportunity to pray.”
Getting free from anger
There was a turning point in my pilgrimage. I had a vision of Jesus on the cross. White, peaceful and radiating, he was a bit off the wood of the cross and a woman was comforting him. That Christ stirred me to the core. He brought me to ask for his forgiveness for my anger. Suffering is part of life – however God is not the source of suffering. He is the One who helps us overcome it. From then on, my pilgrimage became an act of thanksgiving.
Should we keep suffering at bay with those we love?
That’s impossible: when you love you suffer, and when you suffer you love. We use to say this to our children. We suffer from suffering, that’s it. Also, our suffering reveals how much we love. Whenever your suffer, it means you love deeply. That truth is hard to accept, however you have to manage to leave room to God in your suffering in order to let Him repair what needs to be repaired. In times of great pain, this might seem inaccessible.
When you love you suffer, and when you suffer you love. We use to say this to our children.
Of course, our faith keeps us standing. Other people’s prayer is a priceless strength. We had the grace of receiving some priests who visited us and celebrated so many masses in our home. It was an amazing gift, and their presence took us much further than we could ever have imagined.
Prayer is the strength of the weak.
Presently, I am thinking of all those people who believe in miracle and hope and put their trust in God. I put myself in their shoes and I think that I would be very angry if faced to our story. I would regard it as unfair. Why us? I don’t know. In fact, we receive our life as it is. We also receive grace, even though we do not deserve it. It is a gift. We did not deserve such a grace. What I mean to say to those who continue to hope is that I pray for them.
