When we are about to die or when we think of our own death, we may feel overwhelmed by certain things. For instance, when we have not forgiven someone or when we did something wrong to somebody, were unfaithful, had hurtful words or refused to love, and so on. Should we by all means settle all scores? Should we have confession? We asked Axel de Perthuis, chaplain at the Shrine, for the radio program Sanctuaires normands on RCF.
The matter of forgiveness, or forgiving the debts we have with one another – symbolically speaking – is a fundamental aspect of Christianity. It is part of Christ’s major teachings. By teaching the Lord’s prayer to his disciples, Jesus made it clear that we need to forgive our brothers and sisters to receive God’s forgiveness. It is demanding but necessary.
In our daily life, forgiving is essential. What when we have reached the very end of our life?
We should get into the habit of forgiving offenses. It is important to get used to forgive, to talk to those who hurt us in order to ask for their forgiveness or to grant it and to create fair relationships. This must be done daily, if possible, in as much as the circumstances demand or allow it.
It is true that the key moment to settle your scores is when you are about to die. We are all proud and stubborn and sometimes we refuse to forgive. Only at the very end we accept this at last and understand that we need to forgive certain things or ask others to forgive us. We understand that we must not come before Christ whilst still bearing those grudges.
Supposing we did not forgive before dying, will it still be possible to do it afterwards?
Forgiving the sins is essential for salvation, as Jesus reminded after teaching the Lord’s Prayer (Mt 6,14-15). Moreover, it is the necessary and sufficient condition to be receive God’s forgiveness for our sins. A definite refusal to forgive may destroy our friendship with God and with our neighbor (i.e. charity) and make access to heaven impossible forever because of our own will.
However, in many cases, the refusal to forgive is probably not absolute, not least because of a desire to obey God’s will. It is rather due to a strong inner resistance. In such case, purgatory will be a chance to get purified for those grudges and sins of similar nature. But it might be a better idea to avoid having to go through useless suffering and forgive before dying, or ask for forgiveness before we die. When it is sincere, confession triggers a change allowing you to challenge yourself and ask for forgiveness.
Digging up old grudges, isn’t it too painful?
This should be done intelligently and fairly, depending on the circumstances of each individual. Wouldn’t it be a shame if, for the sake of forgiveness as an ideology, we were to bring conflict where there was peace. I do think however that in most cases, there are still people we can forgive or by whom we can be forgiven and this, on the contrary, brings peace. Words are not absolutely necessary. A demeanor, or a gaze, may suggest in a non-verbal manner that we have forgiven certain things. No need to remember and recall verbally all the wrong that was done.
How can we appreciate whether it is necessary to ask for forgiveness? Can the closeness of death be helpful?
First of all, be reminded that getting confession on a regular basis is a good thing. It is good for the soul, it does good and helps us in our daily life. Then, as death gets closer, we will be likely to forget most of our sins of the past. This may not be too serious though, because the judgment is not an accountant’s balance sheet.
The goal of getting to confession before death is to have the right attitude, a right heart, that is, being properly disposed towards God and feeling truly regretful for your misconduct, out of love for God. The sacrament gives a contrite, broken heart, which is the most important thing. You may have forgotten some sins but the Lord knows them and can forgive even what we failed to remember. You should not be afraid nor be scrupulous.
Do we hurt God’s feelings by refusing to confess?
In our relationship to God, we may be aware of our insufficiency, realize how small our love is, how ungrateful we are and that we are wasting the grace He gives us again and again. We might be ashamed of it. Whilst shame is not always good, humility is the right attitude. The goal is to create a humble heart in us, ready to receive mercy from God. And also, to feel deeply sorry for the sin committed against God as well as against other people.
In confession before dying, are there sins that should be told in priority?
A confession shortly before death should focus on the essential sins. I don’t think you need to describe all the small sins one by one. Best if you go right to the point by trying to see where the root of your sin is. I mean sin that is not only in what you did but also in the dispositions of the being. Looking directly at the root of sin is a good way to confess it and receive God’s forgiveness. You should name some actions since actions show your inner disposition. However I don’t think you need to go into much detail about all the occasions in which you sinned.
As to the many different types of sin, let’s mention the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, “which will not be forgiven either in this age or in the age to come”, according to Jesus’ word. Other sins, those called the daily sins or the sins that were not really committed on purpose, might be forgiven after death, in purgatory. However, it is best to be liberated from them today. That’s by all means a far better option.
Does the last confession help us to be stronger to face our death?
It clearly does. Through confession you get forgiven for your offenses and you receive the contrition of the heart, a proper contrition. It also allows you to be filled with joy because you are happy and liberated from sin through such sacrament. Obviously it is the right way to die. When a dying person gets assisted by a priest, they receive the sacrament of anointing of the sick as well as the blessing given to those who are close to death (which gives plenary indulgence) and then the Eucharist. All those sacraments help us and prepare us to meet Christ after death.
Is it absolutely necessary to see a priest prior to dying?
Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Nevertheless, the perfect contrition I mentioned before can also be given outside the confession process. Let’s consider the Good Thief, for instance, crucified next to Christ. Although he did not confess he went straight to paradise. If someone who is close to die has a real conversion, really regretting their misconduct out of love for God but cannot confess for lack of priests, they still receive the same graces as if they had had confession.
How easy is it to regret our sins just before death?
Our relationship to God has to be worked upon throughout our life. We should seek to be poor of heart, which is necessary to receive salvation. This means that each time we go to confession we open our heart. It might be painful but it helps us to be in the right attitude towards God, being ready to receive God’s mercy. On the other hand, those whose heart is hard and closed, who do not forgive others and who are not used to ask for others’ forgiveness will find it hard to open their hearts as death is getting near. They might still succeed, however it is a good idea to get ready as early as possible since we need to receive God’s mercy no later than today anyway.
The more you get used to confess the more you get used to forgive others for their offenses and the better your attitude towards God is. You are then in the attitude of the child as requested by the Lord to have access to the kingdom of Heaven. And we become more and more like that child by receiving and giving mercy.
Is a confession made out of fear of hell effective?
Normally, you should regret your sins out of love of God. Still, if someone confesses out of fear of hell, it is still a first step even if not ideal. There is a technical term to describe some imperfect contrition, the word attrition. It is repentance of the sins for the wrong reasons. It may be a desire of purity which has a taint of pride or due to a fear of chastisement. However, it is a sufficient disposition to receive God’s forgiveness in confession. Besides, contrition is precisely one of the fruits of confession. Indeed, the sacrament redirects our regret for our sins so that we feel sorry out of love of God, to make sure that there is a real wound, a broken heart – but in the proper way.
Also, that’s an old theological dispute: whilst the Jansenists were adamant that you had to have perfect contrition to confess, the Jesuits would insist that even if contrition was not perfect, you could still go to confession.
