After the death of their spouse, some people choose to remain alone whilst others consider rebuilding their life by marrying again. This question touches on fidelity, missing the other, grieving and the role the deceased person had in their personal history. On RCF’s Sanctuaires normands program, Sister Cécile reminds us that there is no one-fits-all answer, because every story is different. Remarriage after widowhood is neither an obligation nor a fault. It requires time, inner discernment and real attention to what is at stake in the heart and in family life.
A personal decision
First of all, we need to get away from the oversimple opposition between what is “normal” and what is “abnormal”. Some people choose to continue their lives without remarrying. They emphasize fidelity to the union with their deceased spouse, and find a form of appeasement in this continuity. Others, on the contrary, discover that a new love relationship becomes possible over time. Both paths can be legitimate.
The question of remarriage after widowhood therefore remains infinitely personal. It depends on the history of the marriage, the relationship with the deceased spouse, how old you are, whether the children are around, whether you are lonely… but also on how the bereavement is experienced on an intimate level. Sister Cécile insists on one point: it is not just a question of knowing if you “can” remarry. We must also discern the motivations for such a desire. The risk could be to use a new relationship to escape the pain of loss.
“Remarriage cannot be contemplated to fill a void.”
Grieving your deceased spouse
Widowhood causes a radical breakup: your spouse is absent, the house is silent, you lose your habits and become emotionally fragile. This may become a very painful experience. However, going through this loss is part of the grieving path. Some people may be tempted to fill the inner gap immediately in order to escape suffering. However, a marital relationship cannot just serve to overcome solitude.
Marriage implies a genuine mutual gift. It’s not about using the other to soothe emotional distress. That’s why time is of the essence. Mourning requires inner maturation. Little by little, life takes its place again. Some feelings may return. A loving attachment may be reborn. When the desire to love is back, it can be a sign that life is taking over again. But that’s not enough on its own to build a new commitment. We still have to ask ourselves what we want to build with the other person. Sister Cécile also reflects on a phrase that has become commonplace: “rebuilding one’s life”. She feels it is a bit ambiguous. A life doesn’t restart from scratch, it continues. A person may have shared an initial path with a deceased spouse, and then go on to live a different life, without erasing what went before. The memory of the deceased spouse remains, and remarriage does not erase this history. It doesn’t cancel out the love lived before. It simply opens up a new stage in life.
“You don’t just erase years of life with someone.”
Children and family: rebuilding the balance
The question of remarriage after widowhood always involves more than two people. It also affects the children, the family ties and sometimes several mourning stories intersecting at the same time. When a father or mother dies, each member of the family undergoes a particular ordeal. Children, too, experience the loss of a parent. In this context, a new union requires time and a great deal of discernment. Blended families can find a true balance, but it’s a delicate process. It often involves a long period of adjustment.
Some people choose to wait until their children are grown up before considering a new relationship. Others rebuild their family life while the children are still young. Here again, there is not one blueprint. Each situation requires to take into account all the people involved. Remarriage cannot be considered solely in terms of the widowed adult’s emotional needs. It also implies a family responsibility.
However, Sister Cécile reminds us that there are some wonderful stories of remarriage after widowhood. Some couples rebuild a stable, peaceful home. Children regain emotional security. A new family harmony can emerge over time. Such caution does not mean a distrust of love. Rather, it is intended to allow each person to make a free, lucid and respectful decision.
“You just have to take the time to weigh things carefully.”
Is remarriage a betrayal of the deceased spouse?
This question is often asked by widowed persons. Some feel guilty when they simply start to feel better. They wonder whether regaining joy or experiencing new feelings of love isn’t already a form of infidelity.
Sister Cécile reminds us, however, that when someone feels better inside, it does not betray the departed spouse. On the contrary, the deceased wish them well because they love them. The fear can become even greater when a new relationship emerges. Some people imagine that the deceased spouse may have a negative view over their future remarriage.
“I’m a little afraid that when I get to heaven, he’ll resent me.”
This concern often reflects our very terrestrial view of human relationships. Yet the Christian faith affirms that in the presence of God, love becomes an entirely new experience. In heaven, love is no longer affected by rivalry, jealousy or withdrawal. It becomes fully adjusted to God’s way of loving. The way we look at our loved ones also changes.
Thus, remarriage after widowhood is not adultery or infidelity towards the deceased spouse. It shows a new inner disposition –accepting to open up once again to the gift of self and to a living relationship. However, the previous love story is not wiped out. It continues to exist in memory, in the heart and in personal history. The new commitment does not suppress this past. It is part of the continuity of a life comprising several successive stages.
Carrying on without erasing the memory of those who have gone before us
Remarriage after widowhood touches on some very profound realities: love, fidelity, solitude, family and the memory of the deceased. Some people choose to remain alone. Others discover that a new union is possible. Both paths can be lived in peace.
Perhaps the most important thing is not to escape the mourning process, but to take the time to discern. Life does not begin anew after the death of a spouse; it continues in a different way, with what has been lived, loved and experienced. In the Christian faith, loving again does not mean forgetting. Communion remains stronger than death. And those we have loved continue to have a place in our history, in our prayer and in our hope.
